I'm tired of feeling ignorant. I'm tired of playing the uninformed card, relying on wit and comical timing to blend in comfortably to conversations. I do that all the time and then wonder why people don't consider me intelligent and try to explain to me that "two halves equal a whole". They only speak to me and about me in such a way because that is how I portrait myself. As you just said in your post, people are only offended by things that they can't really defend. Well, it's true. I can't get upset when people mock my driving when in essence, I am a bad driver (though I usually don't claim otherwise on that one).
I've recently begun spending a good amount of time with my new friend Justin. We work out three times a week at 6 am by my house is Orange. Recently we were cooking dinner for Emily and her sister Jenna (who Justin is falling for rapidly). I knew he cared quite a bit more about this dinner than I did and I told him the evening before that I'd merely be his assistant because I don't consider myself a good cook. This was my first mistake as I am fully capable of cooking an entire meal. I've done it on a number of occasions. Anyway, Justin was giving me directions and orders and such and soon hands me a 1/2 cup measuring cup and says "You need to put 1 cup of water into that sauce, that's 2 of these." Really? It was more funny than anything and he was flustered because of trying to impress the opposite sex, but talk about condescending.
This weekend I went on a men's retreat through my church. I've been going to this current church now for several months but it's hard to get to know people just by showing up on Sundays. Anyway, this is totally not my scene but I went anyway because I wanted to know more people and really I felt like God was telling me to go. I'm conversing with numerous men throughout the weekend and most of them are around the same education level as I am. I was silent most of the time because I sincerely felt I had nothing to contribute to any conversation. Even the conversations that were not about sports were WAY over my head. People probably thought I was this socially awkward scary guy that just sits there and drinks his port and smokes lightly on his cigar.
I feel as though I've done something wrong along the way through my education. Why didn't I actually finish reading that book, as opposed to just skim it and get by? Why didn't I ask more questions because I didn't want someone to think I was dumb? Why haven't I been paying attention? Why can't I remember things or get things to stick in my head? Why, even if I do feel like I know something, am I incapable of putting it into interesting and informed sounding verbiage? And most importantly of all, if I haven't been paying attention, what have I been filling my head with instead? Scary thought.
I want to make wise, informed decisions about things and I do not contribute to conversations unless I have a grasp on things that are being talked about. As a friend of mine put it, I need to "actively" read more, not just breeze through things. My journey to a more well informed lifestyle has begun. I got an RSS feed to an arts journal that so far has had some pretty interesting articles and whilst doing research for my Masters, I'm actually trying to read through content and not just skim to get a weak grasp and just get by. What's the point otherwise, right?
One thing I feel I want to understand and become a reasonable expert in is Homosexuality and the Church. I've begun research on it during my current class and I may use this blog to reiterate some information I've learned and try and reflect on my own life in regards to this issue. It is something very prominent in my family at the moment, but more on that later and fair warning.
Josh, I admire your intellect. I hope you don't find it creepy or anything that I wrote this specific blog to you, I just admire your ability to put your mind into words...and you said you'd read this eventually so...congratulations.
In other news, wedding invitations are sent...there's no turning back now! :) Yessssssssssss!
Monday, April 28, 2008
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2 comments:
lest people think that justin is a complete jerk, i think it should be clarified that he FELT like a huge, bossy jerk for saying that and apologized profusely.
YEAH invitations! no turning back, indeed. :)
Jeff, first of all, I hope you continue to write because I enjoy what I have read so far and I have time to read your stuff now. Also, sometimes I am dry on ideas and I might be able to respond to things you think up. Anyway, yeah, guys and sports, don't ever feel out of the loop. If people are unable to relate to others without talking about sports or the weather than that is their problem, not yours. I love basketball and it is my passion, but I its never my main source of conversation no matter who is around. They have nothing better to discuss, whereas you do, so don't be afraid to be creative and find different ways to connect. You'd be surprised how many men might actually find it a relief to discuss something else, but they never do because that is the only way they understand how to fit in. The few friends I still have back home are into sports like I am, but I am so glad that I have others like you and Chris and lee and such because I need to escape the sports at times. Think of it this way: When a guy first begins to fall in love with a girl he can't stop talking about her, thinking about her, and spending time with her. But, as he matures, and they mature, in their relationship, his obsession, so to speak, turns into a healthier connection that includes other subjects besides just her, and in turn, their relationship can improve because then he has something more than his mere obsession of her to bring to the relationship. Now, translate that to men and sports. Many men see themselves as failures for not being able to either play sports in the past or for not being able to be the best at it and never achieving their childhood dreams. They become obsessed over sports and never bother to explore areas of life outside of them because sports are one of the most socially acceptable forms of obsession. It is tragic to me how many men never grow past that hopeless obsession and never have anything else to talk about. They join fantasy leagues, they buy tickets, they do everything they can to get as close to being a part of the sport as they can without ever really being a part of the sport. They never mature enough in it. There is guys out their who probably know every stat and score and such of every player and every team in basketball. They probably have every rookie card, every jersey, and every poster. But, I bet I still know more than them because I played and still play. I know the game without knowing everything about it. I am mature enough with it that it does not dominate my life. I've grown past that obsession phase. Therefore, now, I have so much more to bring to the game because I have a life outside of it. I am a better player and I love it even more because it ceased to be the dominating factor in my life. That is why basketball has brought me closer to God also. It has taught me that no matter what, the only ___ (I don't what to call God a thing so left it blank) that I can be healthy with and always be obsessed with is God. Everything else is an immature approach. Funny how God made us so that the closer we grow with him the closer we grow to other things. Now, many of these men are probably fine. They probably aren't obsessed. Just rest assured that you do have something to offer them. They will appreciate you a lot more if you can take them elsewhere for a moment or two rather than just trying to fit in with them for always. But, also, it may not hurt to brush up on the sports scene once in a while just for that initial phase. I'm always willing to talk basketball. Give me a few days and you'll know more than any of those guys.
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