My heart was pounding yesterday

as I dropped off my application for U/RTA (University/Residential Theater Association) and the NUAI's (National Unified Audition and Interviews) which I will be attending February 6th in Las Vegas.

The sending of this application marks the first time in my life I have absolutely no idea what my future looks like completely.

When I was a sophomore in high school I decided to go to Vanguard. I didn't apply to any other colleges. The closest I got to going anywhere else was when I looked at Biola's website and thought it was boring. I don't think I even made it past the homepage.

When I was a sophomore in high school I got hired in the Financial Aid Office at Vanguard; a job I knew I would have at least until the end of college. By my junior year I knew they were planning on hiring me on as full time staff after I graduated and thus I figured I would just get my masters degree here in religion.

Two weeks into my relationship with Emily I started to know she was the one I would marry. A year and half latter we were married. This seems to be only thing at the moment that seems everlasting.

This spring I'll be directing Pinocchio for CYT in Temecula, California and in June my wife and I are leading a short term missions trip to Tanzania, Africa. But after that?

After I've been staff at Vanguard for over a year, begun this masters program, got hitched and even landed three directing jobs I'm at a cross roads in which the direction will be entirely determined by a 3-5 minute audition that isn't for another 3 1/2 months. That is why my heart was pounding as I sealed the envelope with my application in it and handed it to the girl in mail services yesterday, realizing how much work I have to do before February 6. Emily and I don't have a specific school in mind. We have to go wherever they give us the most money...the options are endless per say and that's freaking me out.

I am, as they say, futuristic. My head is always in the future...planning and coming to terms with what's to come. Getting a grasp on future events so there are no surprises. I weigh every scenario and decide how I will react, pay, fight, deal etc.

It's not that I don't embrace change, I love change. But change for me has to come on my time and by my decision.

So as I'm in this lull until I figure what fall 2009 is going to look like I'm doing a few things to slow my heart rate down.

The first is coming to the realization that no matter what the outcome, I have options and none of them are bad. If I don't get into an MFA program this fall I'll still have a full-time job and two theater companies that will continue to ask me back to direct for them. This time next year I'll try U/RTA again only this time for acting and directing as I'll have 5 or more shows under my belt. If I do get into grad school, Emily and I will go on our first big adventure, move to wherever I get accepted and get a fellowship and get my MFA done in three years and then find a job at a university somewhere and teach...after a few successful movies of course.

The second way I'm calming myself is doing my very best, though not quite succeeding yet, to give this whole thing to God. This U/RTA situation is really going to take a huge amount of trust in God. I have no doubt that with some work I can put together a pretty damn good audition...but what God's going to do with it I have no idea and thus He is teaching me to trust in him fully. No matter how futuristic I am, my life is in His hands, not mine. God is telling me to stop trying to take three steps ahead just so I can glance real quick at what's around the corner.

Don't take what I'm saying as complaining. I'm in a very good place right now. I consider myself immensely blessed for all the amazing thing I have, including options.

So, deep breath....

Now if I could only find a freaking contemporary humorous monologue.