E-mail from work...

From: Brain Leonard
Sent: Wednesday, July 30, 2008 9:45 AM
To: Fazakerley, Jeff
Subject: Earthquake?

So did you feel the earthquake, everyone here is asking about you. Let's here your very own heroing tale. How many orphans did you rescue? How manny kittens did you save? If you spent the whole time under your desk at work telling your office slave to save my degree on the wall from falling, that's ok too just give us the gory details.


Brian

From: Fazakerley, Jeff
Sent: Wednesday, July 30, 2008 10:52 AM
To: 'Brain Leonard'
Cc: Dowell, Ryan; Clary, Katherine; Fazakerley, Emily; Hurlbert, Lindsey
Subject: RE: Earthquake?

It seemed like a normal day, the phone ringing, students whining about not having enough money for college, the water dispenser making it’s usual gulping sound every five minutes as the air bubbles make their way to the top. Normal. My co-workers and I in our respective offices diligently enforcing federal policy expect this day to be just like any other day. I see the clock, it’s 11:30, almost lunch time. I tune out as usual. When I only have a half hour left until lunch I start thinking about food and where to get it so not much work gets done. In my daze I vaguely hear one of our students at the front desk complaining about all the paperwork our office is making her fill out, I’m about to stand up to see if I can assist when at 11:41 am I hear a rumbling. First thought, someone is running down the hallway toward my office. This is not uncommon as we often have nerf gun wars during work and the most agile of us in the office often sprint down the hallway to avoid being hit. But that wasn’t it. It was the middle of the day and there was a student up front, this was not a nerf attack, this was something else. All at once I feel dizzy and off balance. I fall back in my chair. The Charlie Brown Day calendar, black coffee mug and Ikea lamp start vibrating across my desk….BANG…the furniture items in my office start to move on their own, the large book case falls toward me, I jump out of my chair and against the wall catching my theater degree just in time before it shatters to the floor like many other fixtures attached to the wall. I hear screams of pain and agony…someone is yelling, “God save us!!” repeatedly…BANG…the file cabinet has fallen, this time I didn’t have time to move out of the way, a sharp pain volts through my legs…BANG…the glass on my door is broken…the view I have into the hallway reveals bodies being tossed about like rag dolls…and just as quickly as this day went horribly wrong, it all stopped. Silence. The snap, crackle and pop of my now mangled computer is heard. Dust fills the air and my lungs; I begin to cough. I try to move but the file cabinet has me pinned. Emily. Where was Emily? I must get to her to make sure she’s okay! Mustering all the strength I had I heave the file cabinets up enough to slide my legs out from under them…the pain is almost to much to handle but the thought of my wife in the same mangled mess pushed me on, I had to get to her. I climbed over the file cabinet and the toppled bookcase and into the hallway. My boss was lying in the hallway, a stapler pierced through her heart, there was no saving her. I pressed on down the hallways trying to find the exit near the front entrance of the office. Emily’s office was just across from there…it’s hard to see with the dust and ceiling tiles hanging everywhere…suddenly a cry for help behind me…it was coming from the conference room…no, I must get to Emily…”help…aaaauuuuggg…help…”…my sympathetic heart gets the best of me, I turn and head toward the conference room. The door is blocked by the huge round table in which we have our Monday morning staff meetings...and a large black woman, no doubt the remains of the complacent student. I slide the woman to the floor as she was keeled over the table…the table is heavy but I lift it out of the way…”oh God…help me…”…I turn to my left and there in the corner hugging his teddy bear was an orphan. “Are you alright?” I ask in gruff burly voice…”Yes, sir…I can’t feel my legs. And I think I wet myself.” This child was helpless, spoke with a meek English accent and needed medical attention. “You’re going to be alright…let’s go find our friends,” I said. “Thank you sir! You’re my hero!” I lifted the child gently from the floor and walked out of the conference room and toward the front entrance…Damn…the front entrance was blocked. The massive front desk had slid in front of it and the roof had caved in on top of that. The only way out was back down the hallway to the rear of the building. I changed direction, passing back by the corpse of what was my boss…I shielded the eyes of the helpless English orphan…nearly approaching the rear entrance I hear another cry…this time an adult male voice. I must get to Emily…but once again my heroic nature got the best of me and I peered into the office of my co-worker Ryan. “Ryan, is that you?” “Yes…help me, I’m under this bookshelf…it was going to crush a poor helpless kitten but I shielded it with my own body and now I don’t think I can walk.” “Is the kitten okay?” I said with desperation. “Yes.” I see him now. Ryan’s top half has been completely severed by the book shelf in his office. I knew from watching Gray’s Anatomy that if I lifted the book shelf, it would kill him instantly. “Ryan,” I said, again with a very manly heroic voice, “I’m going to get you some help. Hand me the kitten.” “Okay Jeff, his name is Piddle. Please take care of him.” I grabbed piddle in one hand and the English orphan in the other and pressed on toward the rear entrance. God be Praised! It wasn’t blocked. I used my brute strength to force the door open. “We must find my wife!” I said to the piddle and the orphan…”What’s your name, anyway?” I said to the orphan, as I was tired typing orphan…”Richard…I think.” As I stepped out side, it was as if I had transported to another world. The Smith building was completely crushed…cars flipped upside down and burning…it looked as though a bomb has gone off. I turned to the left and started to head towards Emily’s building when I realized, it wasn’t there. “NOOOOOOO!!” I cried. I collapsed to my knees in horror. There was no way anyone survived…”WHYYYYYY GOOOOD!! WHYYYYYYYYY!!! Richard and Piddle are crying now as well…then suddenly…”Jeff?” I turn…Emily and Lindsay her assistant are walking toward me through the dusty air like a dream…their holding 49 cent fountain drinks from the gas station…”Jeff? Is that you?” “EMILY!!” I rise to my feet, still in extreme pain and limp my way to her.
“Emily Darling, are you alright?!”
“Yes, quite alright,” she said, “We just went to get some diet pepsi, I was parched!....What happened?”
”An Earthquake…5.8,” I replied, again with burliness…
”Oh.”
“I found an Orphan.”
“Sweet!”

Jeff Fazakerley
x4256