E-mail from work...

From: Brain Leonard
Sent: Wednesday, July 30, 2008 9:45 AM
To: Fazakerley, Jeff
Subject: Earthquake?

So did you feel the earthquake, everyone here is asking about you. Let's here your very own heroing tale. How many orphans did you rescue? How manny kittens did you save? If you spent the whole time under your desk at work telling your office slave to save my degree on the wall from falling, that's ok too just give us the gory details.


Brian

From: Fazakerley, Jeff
Sent: Wednesday, July 30, 2008 10:52 AM
To: 'Brain Leonard'
Cc: Dowell, Ryan; Clary, Katherine; Fazakerley, Emily; Hurlbert, Lindsey
Subject: RE: Earthquake?

It seemed like a normal day, the phone ringing, students whining about not having enough money for college, the water dispenser making it’s usual gulping sound every five minutes as the air bubbles make their way to the top. Normal. My co-workers and I in our respective offices diligently enforcing federal policy expect this day to be just like any other day. I see the clock, it’s 11:30, almost lunch time. I tune out as usual. When I only have a half hour left until lunch I start thinking about food and where to get it so not much work gets done. In my daze I vaguely hear one of our students at the front desk complaining about all the paperwork our office is making her fill out, I’m about to stand up to see if I can assist when at 11:41 am I hear a rumbling. First thought, someone is running down the hallway toward my office. This is not uncommon as we often have nerf gun wars during work and the most agile of us in the office often sprint down the hallway to avoid being hit. But that wasn’t it. It was the middle of the day and there was a student up front, this was not a nerf attack, this was something else. All at once I feel dizzy and off balance. I fall back in my chair. The Charlie Brown Day calendar, black coffee mug and Ikea lamp start vibrating across my desk….BANG…the furniture items in my office start to move on their own, the large book case falls toward me, I jump out of my chair and against the wall catching my theater degree just in time before it shatters to the floor like many other fixtures attached to the wall. I hear screams of pain and agony…someone is yelling, “God save us!!” repeatedly…BANG…the file cabinet has fallen, this time I didn’t have time to move out of the way, a sharp pain volts through my legs…BANG…the glass on my door is broken…the view I have into the hallway reveals bodies being tossed about like rag dolls…and just as quickly as this day went horribly wrong, it all stopped. Silence. The snap, crackle and pop of my now mangled computer is heard. Dust fills the air and my lungs; I begin to cough. I try to move but the file cabinet has me pinned. Emily. Where was Emily? I must get to her to make sure she’s okay! Mustering all the strength I had I heave the file cabinets up enough to slide my legs out from under them…the pain is almost to much to handle but the thought of my wife in the same mangled mess pushed me on, I had to get to her. I climbed over the file cabinet and the toppled bookcase and into the hallway. My boss was lying in the hallway, a stapler pierced through her heart, there was no saving her. I pressed on down the hallways trying to find the exit near the front entrance of the office. Emily’s office was just across from there…it’s hard to see with the dust and ceiling tiles hanging everywhere…suddenly a cry for help behind me…it was coming from the conference room…no, I must get to Emily…”help…aaaauuuuggg…help…”…my sympathetic heart gets the best of me, I turn and head toward the conference room. The door is blocked by the huge round table in which we have our Monday morning staff meetings...and a large black woman, no doubt the remains of the complacent student. I slide the woman to the floor as she was keeled over the table…the table is heavy but I lift it out of the way…”oh God…help me…”…I turn to my left and there in the corner hugging his teddy bear was an orphan. “Are you alright?” I ask in gruff burly voice…”Yes, sir…I can’t feel my legs. And I think I wet myself.” This child was helpless, spoke with a meek English accent and needed medical attention. “You’re going to be alright…let’s go find our friends,” I said. “Thank you sir! You’re my hero!” I lifted the child gently from the floor and walked out of the conference room and toward the front entrance…Damn…the front entrance was blocked. The massive front desk had slid in front of it and the roof had caved in on top of that. The only way out was back down the hallway to the rear of the building. I changed direction, passing back by the corpse of what was my boss…I shielded the eyes of the helpless English orphan…nearly approaching the rear entrance I hear another cry…this time an adult male voice. I must get to Emily…but once again my heroic nature got the best of me and I peered into the office of my co-worker Ryan. “Ryan, is that you?” “Yes…help me, I’m under this bookshelf…it was going to crush a poor helpless kitten but I shielded it with my own body and now I don’t think I can walk.” “Is the kitten okay?” I said with desperation. “Yes.” I see him now. Ryan’s top half has been completely severed by the book shelf in his office. I knew from watching Gray’s Anatomy that if I lifted the book shelf, it would kill him instantly. “Ryan,” I said, again with a very manly heroic voice, “I’m going to get you some help. Hand me the kitten.” “Okay Jeff, his name is Piddle. Please take care of him.” I grabbed piddle in one hand and the English orphan in the other and pressed on toward the rear entrance. God be Praised! It wasn’t blocked. I used my brute strength to force the door open. “We must find my wife!” I said to the piddle and the orphan…”What’s your name, anyway?” I said to the orphan, as I was tired typing orphan…”Richard…I think.” As I stepped out side, it was as if I had transported to another world. The Smith building was completely crushed…cars flipped upside down and burning…it looked as though a bomb has gone off. I turned to the left and started to head towards Emily’s building when I realized, it wasn’t there. “NOOOOOOO!!” I cried. I collapsed to my knees in horror. There was no way anyone survived…”WHYYYYYY GOOOOD!! WHYYYYYYYYY!!! Richard and Piddle are crying now as well…then suddenly…”Jeff?” I turn…Emily and Lindsay her assistant are walking toward me through the dusty air like a dream…their holding 49 cent fountain drinks from the gas station…”Jeff? Is that you?” “EMILY!!” I rise to my feet, still in extreme pain and limp my way to her.
“Emily Darling, are you alright?!”
“Yes, quite alright,” she said, “We just went to get some diet pepsi, I was parched!....What happened?”
”An Earthquake…5.8,” I replied, again with burliness…
”Oh.”
“I found an Orphan.”
“Sweet!”

Jeff Fazakerley
x4256

Attention Single Friends:

I have not experienced any of these issues yet but according to a wide number of other married people's comments I can fully expect them. So here's some things you should know.

1. Emily and I still exist. Yes you waved goodbye to us at the end of the wedding and we drove away in an excessively decorated car, but we only went back to our apartment and then on a honeymoon. We still live in Costa Mesa and we still want to see you, so please don't forget that!

2. I am more so a 'we' than I am an 'I'. Don't let the fact that I will probably always check with Emily first before I agree to do anything, deter you from inviting either Emily or I anywhere. She's my other half and I don't work very well separated from her. I promise it feels GREAT to depend on another human being. It's not so bad.

3. Yes, married people like to hang with married people and it's not that it's a secret club that no one can be involved in unless you have a piece of jewelry on your ring finger. It's simply that when you get married, you all of a sudden have this freedom to talk about SO many things that people who are not married don't understand fully.

4. Emily and I do not have sex 24/7. As awesome as that would be, it's just not physically possible and it would be extremely exhausting. Yes we're more sexually active than the average 75 year old, but that doesn't mean you should be afraid to call because what if we're having sex, or afraid to come over and visit because what if we're having sex. If we are, I promise I wont answer my phone or answer the door...for your sake.

5. Though I love Emily more than any human being on this planet, I love each and everyone of my friends quite a bit more than the average human being as well. Please know that.


This is also not meant to be supercilious in any way either. I really only say these things because I'm guilty of each and every one one of them. Things are different now, yes, but not enough to loose contact with those I care for.

Thanks for reading. :)

Okay, I should work now.

For better or worse...

I'm married and loving it. My wife and I spent the evening last night putting up curtain rods and building book shelves. Our apartment is really starting to look like a home. I came out of my bedroom this morning and felt very pleased with it all. Content.

Still, as happy as the months surrounding a wedding have been, life still looms. There are bills to pay, an education to be had, and a car that desperately needs cleaning. But for some reason it all looks different than before. It's all things I have to do, but it's all things I get to do, with Emily. I'm pretty sure that's what God designed marriage for, a partnership; and God gave me the best partner EVER!

Other than these few sappy sentiments I don't really have anything else to write about at the moment. I'm over my job, though I understand it's importance and how much I enjoy getting paid. I'm directing a show, The Importance of Being Earnest, which is going to be full of memorable stories, they just haven't happened yet. And there was this one time I went to Mexico and they ran out of tortillas...I know right? That was pretty ridiculous.

I'm still struggling with blog envy. Josh is just so good at it. I suppose it takes passion. Josh is just passionate about a lot of things. I know I'm passionate about some things but I don't really realize the full extent of the passion unless I'm in the moment; like cars stopping completely before they turn, I just don't realize how much that royally pisses me off unless I'm in the moment. But usually after the moment has passed, and by the time I sit in front of my computer staring at blank blog page, I've had time to rationalize, justify, simplify, forget or just not care any more. I prefer the more passionate life like Josh's. He gets it all out on here, not in everyday conversation. He can actually talk about pretty normal things. Sometimes I wish he would get passionate about a few things in conversation, just because it's fun to see him get a bit steamed over things. But really, an entire post about a dispute between Obama and Dobson...awesome!

If that last paragraph sounded sarcastic it wasn't meant to. Just pure admiration.

And to finish it off, here is a scene from the my last rehearsal with my cast:

Me: Lady Bracknell I need you on stage, you're coming on in a few lines.

LB: Oh, right, let me just find my script.

Me: Do you have a pencil?

LB: A what?

Me: A pencil, you need to write down all the blocking I give you.

LB: Oh. Okay, I'm ready now. Should I enter?

Me: When the script tells you to, you should.

LB: Oh, right, what page are we on?

Me: 125. Lady Bracknell's Understudy, do you have a pencil?

LBU: For what?

Me: For writing down all the blocking I give Lady Bracknell.

LBU: You mean, I have to do it just like her?

Me: .........yes. Is that a problem?

LBU: I guess not.

LB: Do I enter now?

Algernon: Do I get to eat ALL of the sandwiches?

Dear Josh...

I'm tired of feeling ignorant. I'm tired of playing the uninformed card, relying on wit and comical timing to blend in comfortably to conversations. I do that all the time and then wonder why people don't consider me intelligent and try to explain to me that "two halves equal a whole". They only speak to me and about me in such a way because that is how I portrait myself. As you just said in your post, people are only offended by things that they can't really defend. Well, it's true. I can't get upset when people mock my driving when in essence, I am a bad driver (though I usually don't claim otherwise on that one).

I've recently begun spending a good amount of time with my new friend Justin. We work out three times a week at 6 am by my house is Orange. Recently we were cooking dinner for Emily and her sister Jenna (who Justin is falling for rapidly). I knew he cared quite a bit more about this dinner than I did and I told him the evening before that I'd merely be his assistant because I don't consider myself a good cook. This was my first mistake as I am fully capable of cooking an entire meal. I've done it on a number of occasions. Anyway, Justin was giving me directions and orders and such and soon hands me a 1/2 cup measuring cup and says "You need to put 1 cup of water into that sauce, that's 2 of these." Really? It was more funny than anything and he was flustered because of trying to impress the opposite sex, but talk about condescending.

This weekend I went on a men's retreat through my church. I've been going to this current church now for several months but it's hard to get to know people just by showing up on Sundays. Anyway, this is totally not my scene but I went anyway because I wanted to know more people and really I felt like God was telling me to go. I'm conversing with numerous men throughout the weekend and most of them are around the same education level as I am. I was silent most of the time because I sincerely felt I had nothing to contribute to any conversation. Even the conversations that were not about sports were WAY over my head. People probably thought I was this socially awkward scary guy that just sits there and drinks his port and smokes lightly on his cigar.

I feel as though I've done something wrong along the way through my education. Why didn't I actually finish reading that book, as opposed to just skim it and get by? Why didn't I ask more questions because I didn't want someone to think I was dumb? Why haven't I been paying attention? Why can't I remember things or get things to stick in my head? Why, even if I do feel like I know something, am I incapable of putting it into interesting and informed sounding verbiage? And most importantly of all, if I haven't been paying attention, what have I been filling my head with instead? Scary thought.

I want to make wise, informed decisions about things and I do not contribute to conversations unless I have a grasp on things that are being talked about. As a friend of mine put it, I need to "actively" read more, not just breeze through things. My journey to a more well informed lifestyle has begun. I got an RSS feed to an arts journal that so far has had some pretty interesting articles and whilst doing research for my Masters, I'm actually trying to read through content and not just skim to get a weak grasp and just get by. What's the point otherwise, right?

One thing I feel I want to understand and become a reasonable expert in is Homosexuality and the Church. I've begun research on it during my current class and I may use this blog to reiterate some information I've learned and try and reflect on my own life in regards to this issue. It is something very prominent in my family at the moment, but more on that later and fair warning.

Josh, I admire your intellect. I hope you don't find it creepy or anything that I wrote this specific blog to you, I just admire your ability to put your mind into words...and you said you'd read this eventually so...congratulations.

In other news, wedding invitations are sent...there's no turning back now! :) Yessssssssssss!

Jesus is funny...

I personally think Jesus would get a kick out of this...

I know I'm in a trend of copy and pasting at the moment, but incase you don't read McSweeney's, you really need to. Here's the one that cracked me up the most today:

FIRST DRAFTS OF THE PARABLES OF JESUS.
BY A.J. PACKMAN
- - - -
Jesus said, "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

One of the disciples asked, "What of the man who builds his house inside the house built on the rock? Surely his house will be even less damaged by water and wind. Is this what we should do?"
And Jesus said, "No, don't do that."

- - - -

At that time a man said unto Jesus, "Jesus! I do not understand the nature of the kingdom of heaven."

Jesus said, "The Father's kingdom is like a shepherd who had a hundred sheep. One of them went astray. He left the 99 and looked for the one until he found it. When it was found, he said to the sheep, 'That you went astray is a clear sign that you misunderstand my instructions. You are nothing to me.' And then the shepherd turned the lost sheep into a pillar of salt, because the shepherd is God in this parable, and that's the sort of thing He does when people fail to understand His Word."

"Wait, what?" said the man,

And the man became a pillar of salt.

- - - -

Then Jesus said to them, "Suppose one of you has a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, 'Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, because a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have nothing to set before him. Then the one inside answers, 'OK, just gimme a minute,' and he goes to one of his friends, and says, 'Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, because a friend of a friend of mine on a journey has come to the friend who's my friend, and that friend has nothing to set before his friend.'"

One of the disciples said, "Wait, doesn't the original person's friend need three loaves of bread because a friend of his friend who's on a journey has come to the friend of the original person's friend, and that friend has nothing to set before his first friend? Or is that what you just said?"
"It doesn't matter," said Jesus. "The point is that God can get you free bread."

- - - -

"But what do you think about this?" asked Jesus. "A man with two sons told the older boy, 'Son, go out and work in the vineyard today.' The son answered, 'No, I won't go,' but later he changed his mind and went anyway. Then the father told the other son, 'You go,' and he said, 'Yes, sir, I will.' But he didn't go. Which of the two was obeying his father?"

"The first!" cried some of the disciples.

"The second!" cried the rest of the disciples.

And Jesus said, "Wait, I messed this one up. Did I mention that when the first son went to work in the vineyard he killed somebody? Because that's important. So, yeah, which of the two was obeying his father?"

"Uh ... the first?" said some of the disciples.

"The second! The second!" cried the rest of the disciples.

And Jesus said, "Oh, cripes, also the father only has one arm. And he is riding a horse the whole time. Was that clear?"

One of the disciples said, "Are you sure that's not 'The Parable of the One-Armed Father Who Rode on a Horse'?"

And Jesus said, "Maybe you're right. OK, let's change the question: Which of the two sons was the tallest?"

The disciples were silent.

Jesus shook his head in dismay. "Have I taught you nothing?"

- - - -

for your information...

This past weekend my fiancee and I went to Redlands to hang out with her Grandparents and her friend from College and his fiancee. Her grandparents live in a mobile home park for 55 or older. We had a delightful time being waited on hand and foot by her grandmother, sitting by the pool listening to dirty old people talk about tanning, current health problems, past wars and lack of sex life. A highlight was both evenings getting a chance to catch up with Nathan (Emily's friend from college) about his job and my job, the excitement of upcoming married life, and how merpeople reproduce. The latter being discussed past a point of exhaustion. We discussed it for nearly a half hour, including the concept that mermaids probably wear shell bras to keep the laser beams from killing other merpeople and sea life, kind of like Cyclops the X-Man. The conversation ended with Nathan stating, "I need to go to bed. This is all making way too much sense."+

Upon his return he found this tid bit of information I thought it necessary to blog:

'How mermaids reproduce' is reasonably accurate,insofar as live birth vs. hatching from eggs. However, the statement that '(the) clitoris (which is the same color as the tail) is slightly below the urogenital opening, is a falsehood, simply because mermaids do not have a clitoris.That function is provided by a different organ. Merpeople have, surrounding the pelvis area, a wrap of fin-like,translucent skin called the 'skirt'. In the female there is an area in the front of the body, just at the base of the skirt that is extremely sensitive, and reproduces the effect of a human clitoris. The statement is made that the Male's penis is 'almost as small as the human female clitoris and the same color as the tail, it is hardly visible. The author then goes on to say that 'this is the only plausible explanation as to why no one has ever seen a penis on any of the male mermaids.'Firstly, the term is 'merman or mermen' not 'male mermaids.' Secondly there is a very plausible reason as to why we haven't seen a penis on a merman... they have internal genitalia, only extending when used for sexual intercourse. Many mammals have internal genitalia, especially underwater dwelling mammals; i.e. whales and dolphins. During sexual excitement, the penis extends out from an opening in the skin. This opening, like the female's vagina, is well hidden, making it difficult to see. The merman penis varies in size, just like the human penis.

Huh, good to know.

$1 nerf-like guns from target war rules

I highly recommend this game to any office that:
A- Doesn't communicate and needs some bonding action
B- Doesn't get along and you want a fair and square opportunity to shoot someone, multiple times.
C- Needs to change things up a bit. Believe me, you'll go to printer or fax machine a lot less often and at a much quicker pace.

The war must start with every person in the office in position of one $1 Nerf-life gun from Target and three pieces of ammunition.

You cannot shoot someone while they are on the phone, in the "home base" position (at your desk and gun not in-hand), in a meeting, or while a student is in the office.

Other than that you can shoot some just about any time they are in the office.

If you shoot at the person and miss, the person being shot at gets to keep your single unit of ammunition.

If you shoot and hit the person anywhere on the body, you get to keep the unit of ammunition you shot them with and take one unit of the victim's ammunition.

The director of financial aid, or the "Big Boss at the end of the level", cannot be shot at until every other piece of ammunition has been collected.

First person to collect all units of ammunition, 24 in all, is taken out to lunch by the rest of the office.

Let the games begin.


I had many more inciteful things to say about this week but that will have to wait till Monday.