The Red Sea Rules

So I have this virus on my computer at work. It's been keeping me pretty busy as I'm usually not doing much this time of year. The 30-Day Check Point has passed. Students are supposed to not be allowed to add or drop classes, though sometimes they do. Without an incredibly boring explanation, it basically locks in financial aid for the rest of the semester and I kick back and just deal with my SPS students. Anyway, I've been trying to get this virus off my computer. It keeps popping up notices like, "We need to debug the xps file in the system drive that carries a number of files and limits memory to the junction just south of Cincinnati, Ohio."

I know, right?

It also will randomly play unrecognizable sound clips either from a show/movie or music or something and my browser wont be open and itunes is closed so...pretty weird.

I think I've got it pretty much under control which is why I'm blogging and not working at the moment.

I'm waiting to hear from Regent.

Well I heard from them, or another student that works there. She's a second year MFA student who was asked to contact me and see if I have any questions about the program. She told me I was up against a little over a hundred other actors that auditioned all over the nation. This is good and bad.

I love the idea of Regent. I'm very excited that God opened this door for me to study at a Christian University again. But there is a small (stupid) part of me that wishes I would have got an offer from some prestigious school. I honestly don't think I would have gone there. I would have enjoyed getting an offer and then saying, "No thanks, I choose Regent." But because I know that there's quite a few people that auditioned for the program this year, instead of saying I chose Regent, I can say Regent chose me.

This is bad because now I'm up against over a hundred people. Thank you Jesus for not letting me know this before my audition. It would have stressed me out.

Listen to me, I'm such a baby. There are actors in this world that audition daily for parts in shows that at least a hundred people are going out for at the same time. Why do I feel there's so much riding on this audition? Why do I feel if I don't get in, my life will certainly come to an end?

Oh the inner monologue in my head right now...its not appropriate to post on the Internet for Jenn and Josh and that girl from Quizno's to read. I think Mikkele reads this too. Sup Mikkele.

All I'll say is, "Why?" and that these are the rules I'm living by these days. They were in my inbox at work after I took two days off this week. No idea where they came from, but they're frightfully applicable to my current situation...not Regent, the other one.

Rule 1 - Realize that God means for you to be where you are.

Rule 2 - Be more concerned for God's glory than for your relief.

Rule 3 - Acknowledge your enemy, but keep your eyes on the Lord.

Rule 4 - Pray!

Rule 5 - Stay calm and confident and give God time to work.

Rule 6 - When unsure, just take the next logical step by faith.

Rule 7 - Envision God's enveloping presence.

Rule 8 - Trust God to deliver in His own unique way.

Rule 9 - View your current crisis as a faith builder for the future.

Rule 10 - Don't forget to praise Him.


My life is in Your hands.

It is now officialy March...

It has come three days late for me. February for the longest time has been considered "Applying to Grad School" month and until today I wasn't quite done with it yet.

So as you may remember I auditioned for U/RTA's NUAIs (University/Residential Theater Association's National Unified Auditions and Interviews...whew.) Complete waste of my time...almost.

So you remember a few posts ago where I confessed the amount of self-confidence it takes to be an actor let alone one that's auditioning for grad school. The auditions are not the same as auditioning for shows...we wont go into the fact that I barely have any experience in that, just take this for what its worth. They're not the same. When you audition for a show you auditioning for whoever, when you audition for grad school you usually in front of some of the greatest theatrical minds of today...the ones that are teaching the ones you audition for when going out for a show...if that makes sense...where was I...

Anyway, I mustered up all this self-confidence, paid $100+ to be there and what happened? I did my audition, felt it went really well, nothing. No interviews, no call-backs...nothing. Okay so I get it....it was an audition...actors should be able to do auditions and expect nothing because 9 times out of 10, that's what you're going to get. But hold on a sec, I paid to be there and left not knowing if I sucked, if I just didn't fit...etc. I don't know, it just didn't make sense, I felt robbed...I truly felt like I had gone to Vegas and gambled $100 away...

Okay so I promise that's the last time I'm going to rant about that. I'm officially over it because today I auditioned for Regent University. I busted my butt for this audition. I feel it went well. I got good feedback and I feel Regent is where I'm headed. (oh the blogging that will come from the experience of moving across the country...get excited.)

My audition today was pretty chill. I didn't do it exactly how I'd expected. I did each piece one at a time because he wanted to video it. That's cool. The music didn't start when I wanted it to. Lame. And the portfolio that I was up till 2am making sure was perfect I didn't really need because I can't apply for the directing concentration until I get there. So with that in mind I tried to hand him this really cool little card thingy that I made with my web address to my new online directors portfolio. Well I handed him the card that said,

Jeff Fazakerley
Actor/SIGNER/Director

"You're a signer?" he said. "Yup. Sure am! I sign things. Its a new wave of theater hitting the lower east side of.....HOW STUPID AM I?!!!" I must have looked that over eight times before I printed it on left over card stock we had from our wedding.

How embarrassing.

I laughed it off and blamed it on how late I stayed up working and promptly took the card back as I didn't want him showing off my idiocy to...whoever. Anyway, Regent, if you reading this to check up on me...I know how to spell SINGER. It's what I did third in my audition. You know, "What do I need with love?" and all that. Yeah, think about that...not my spelling abilities. Here's the deal, you let me into your program, I'll become a really good actor, get signed immediately to a million dollar movie deal, I'll pay off my parents debt and my school debt and the I'll hire someone to do all my spelling for me! Sound good?


This blog post is so weird. And for that, I apologize.

My Audition

Hello, My name is Jeff Fazakerley and first I'll be performing Fernando from The Brothers and Paul from Den of Thieves....

(beat)

Fernando: Yes, Francisco, he hath left his curse upon me. His CURSE! Dost comprehend what that word carries shot from a father's angry breath? Unless I tear poor Felisarda from my heart he hath pronounced me ere to ALL his curses!

Does this fright thee, Francisco? Thou hast cause to dance in soul for this, tis only I must loose and mourn. Thou shalt have all.

I am degraded from my birth while he affects thy forward youth and only calls thee son. Son of his active spirit and applauds that progress with Jacinta, in whose smiles thou mayest see all thy wishes waiting for thee. Whilst poor Fernando, for her sake, must stand an excommunicate from every blessing, a THING that dare not give myself a name, but flung into the world's necessities until in time, with wonder of my wants, I turn a ragged statue on whose forehead each clown may carve his motto.

(Beat)

Paul: You're a compulsive over eater too, aren't you!? Look, I know what you're going through...Maggie. Maggie, don't open those Yodels, Maggie! MAGGIE! HALT! NOW PUT...THE YODELS...DOWN!

I'm not letting you eat them for two reasons. Number one, they're stolen and you and me are gonna gather all this stuff up and return it...ALL OF IT! Because that is how the program works. Reach out, and return, the first principle of the program. You call me tonight because you are brave, Maggie, you called me because you wanna turn it around! Six months from now you'll be leading workshops, visiting prisons, talking to youngsters and schools. Now I could let you eat those Yodels, but I'm not going to let you do that to yourself because you're a compulsive over eater TOO!

Look, I'd be glad to take you to an O.A. Meeting. Over eaters Anonymous. I'm an O.A. member. I used to weigh four hundred pounds! Look, here's a picture of me on a horse. Now here's a picture of the same horse, ten minutes later. I look at this picture to remind myself of the pain, and suffering, and in this case DEATH that my compulsive overeating caused myself, and others. I hated myself, hated myself so much I couldn't even function. Have you ever felt that way?


Finally, I'll sing for you "What do I need with love?" from Thoroughly Modern Millie.

(Start accompaniment)

Jimmy: Skip the vows and all that rott. Tell the minister that I do not! Bright and breezey is the birds and beesey is free and easy is the life I got.

Without her.

All though I hardly know you...what do I need with love? I got it good, got it good. But now I got it bad!


Thank You.

(I know what you're thinking..."its March, why is Jeff typing out his audition? shouldn't he be talking about how his auditions for U/RTA and Regent went?" Well first of all, if that's what you're thinking, you follow my blog to closely and to that I say, "Thanks! Stalker." And second, you're right. It's March 2nd and I haven't auditioned for Regent yet because it was post-poned till tomorrow, March 3rd. There will be much to say after March 3rd!

Okay I need to file my FAFSA now.)

My Wife Says I'm Nervous

Well, that's true. I mean U/RTA is SATURDAY! I'm taking the day off of work on Friday and driving with my lovely wife to Vegas to do a 3 minute monologue for a bunch of recruiters. I'm not even auditioning for Regent yet, which is the school that I want to get into, the school that I'm hoping gives full-rides...that'd be nice. Anyway, I'm ready...ish. If I just ran it a few more times to make sure that both my pieces fall under three minutes..that'd be grand.

Who ever said that its possible for actors not to be full of themselves is stupid. In fact I don't think its ever been said which is good because its stupid. The amount of self-confidence required to do well at any audition let along U/RTA or Regent or any grad school audition is insurmountable.

"I am a good actor. I am a great actor. I am an attractive person. My head shot kicks ass."

Ridiculous.

But unfortunately its necessary. Have I fully committed to these feelings? nope. I have a huge zit on my noes and my man-boobs (chesticles as my brother would call them) dangle worse than the hag that played Maria at Huntington Beach Playhouse's recent production of Sound of Music. I keep looking "gay" according to my coach Sue. "They want men who don't look gay on stage!" she keeps telling me. Ugh...is this why I'm nervous?

For some reason I have it my head the Regent will be better. After all its an audition for Christians...right? Meh. I just want February to be over. I want March to be here. I want to know where my wife and I will be moving in 6 months.

All this self loathing should not be an indicator of my mood however. I've been in fantastic spirits as of late. I'm directing for Alethia Christian Theater this semester. A branch off company from Terra who I just closed Our Town with. Say what you want about Our Town but mine was damn good. My kids were awesome and worked incredibly hard and we got to do it in as good a space as Our Town deserves. Next I'll be co-directing (God help me) The Man (possibly woman) Who Came To Dinner. Tonight is the 10 Minute Play Festival at Vanguard which I got to direct for. I've read nearly three plays just in the last few days. And come this summer, Jenna Lloyd and I will be doing The Last Five Years in Temecula, California. I'm loving this. If this is a sign of things to come, sign me up.

Now if only I didn't have to go to work, my life would be perfect.

Well Jenn, that's the update. Hope you enjoyed it.

The Definite Possibilities

How is it possible that the ONLY Christian MFA in Acting program completely fell through my searches until last Wednesday? I have no idea but if you saw this whole thing from my perspective you'd see that God was obviously hiding it from me for some reason; waiting for the exact moment to say, "How about Regent, Hey." (Said with a Dakotan accent as God speaks to me that way now) It goes like this: Last Wednesday Emily introduced me to a admissions counselor from Regent University's Law School. She had met him the day before and had told me that she wanted this guy to marry her sister. Regent had always hung around in the back of my head because my professor, Susan K Berkompas, used to advertise something about their school all during my undergrad studies. What this was exactly wasn't coming to mind at the time of me meeting Mr. Wholschlegal (or something like that.)

I asked him if Regent had a Theater program and he was sure they had some kind of arts program but was unsure if they had any MFA in Acting program. His uncertainty led me to believe they did not...until Susan K Berkompas came strolling by at that very moment. And as she was walking by I said, "Sue, what was that thing you would always send e-mails out about Regent?" She said, "Oh their MFA in Acting program. It's the only Christian centered one in the world and its awesome and oh I know all the Faculty so you'd be a shoe-in." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My excitement thus launched through the roof and I went back to my office and started researching. There are three things that I desire most in an MFA in Acting program. One, that it would be Christian though I had given up hope on this aspect. Two, that it would prepare me for teaching at the collegiate level. And three, that it would give me some kind of opportunity to at least try the whole professional acting thing after I graduate with an MFA. Well, what do you know!? Regent University offers all three of those fantastic little jewels of my desire and to top it off they have an audition at Azusa Pacific at the end of February.

I immediately started looking into their admissions requirements and realize they require GRE scores in which I have none. Questions begin to arise...do I submit the application and scores and such before or after the audition? What is Virginia like? Do I have a shot in hell that they'll accept me? What will I eat for dinner tonight as I have to go to rehearsal for Our Town? Am I a good director? Am I a good actor? What are GRE scores?

I needed answers. So I found an inquiry section on Regent's website and asked a few questions about the GRE scores and such. No joke....5 SECONDS LATER! (Okay so it was really like 45 seconds-ish) my cell phone rings and a representative from Regent, who just happened to have graduated with her MFA in Acting was on the other end...crazy! She answered all of my questions except for the self-worth ones.

All of this within a span of about three hours. Instantly I began to be excited about completing my MFA instead of dreading it. What's even better is Emily was just as excited, which as my mom told me once, is a great sign that that is something God is telling you to do.

So obviously nothing is official yet and if you ask my co-workers I've pretty much already moved there. As well as my brother, who we just found out over a phone conversation that Virginia Beach is only a half-hour away from where he'll be living (!!!!!). But Regent is a definite possibility and moving across the country is becoming more and more a reality. I just need to get a good score on the MAT exam (its better, according to the girl from Regent), get three letters of recommendation, write a personal life statement, and come up with the best three minute audition of my life! Piece of cake. As Nolf put it today, "You'll be fine. You want it bad enough."

I do. I really do.

My heart was pounding yesterday

as I dropped off my application for U/RTA (University/Residential Theater Association) and the NUAI's (National Unified Audition and Interviews) which I will be attending February 6th in Las Vegas.

The sending of this application marks the first time in my life I have absolutely no idea what my future looks like completely.

When I was a sophomore in high school I decided to go to Vanguard. I didn't apply to any other colleges. The closest I got to going anywhere else was when I looked at Biola's website and thought it was boring. I don't think I even made it past the homepage.

When I was a sophomore in high school I got hired in the Financial Aid Office at Vanguard; a job I knew I would have at least until the end of college. By my junior year I knew they were planning on hiring me on as full time staff after I graduated and thus I figured I would just get my masters degree here in religion.

Two weeks into my relationship with Emily I started to know she was the one I would marry. A year and half latter we were married. This seems to be only thing at the moment that seems everlasting.

This spring I'll be directing Pinocchio for CYT in Temecula, California and in June my wife and I are leading a short term missions trip to Tanzania, Africa. But after that?

After I've been staff at Vanguard for over a year, begun this masters program, got hitched and even landed three directing jobs I'm at a cross roads in which the direction will be entirely determined by a 3-5 minute audition that isn't for another 3 1/2 months. That is why my heart was pounding as I sealed the envelope with my application in it and handed it to the girl in mail services yesterday, realizing how much work I have to do before February 6. Emily and I don't have a specific school in mind. We have to go wherever they give us the most money...the options are endless per say and that's freaking me out.

I am, as they say, futuristic. My head is always in the future...planning and coming to terms with what's to come. Getting a grasp on future events so there are no surprises. I weigh every scenario and decide how I will react, pay, fight, deal etc.

It's not that I don't embrace change, I love change. But change for me has to come on my time and by my decision.

So as I'm in this lull until I figure what fall 2009 is going to look like I'm doing a few things to slow my heart rate down.

The first is coming to the realization that no matter what the outcome, I have options and none of them are bad. If I don't get into an MFA program this fall I'll still have a full-time job and two theater companies that will continue to ask me back to direct for them. This time next year I'll try U/RTA again only this time for acting and directing as I'll have 5 or more shows under my belt. If I do get into grad school, Emily and I will go on our first big adventure, move to wherever I get accepted and get a fellowship and get my MFA done in three years and then find a job at a university somewhere and teach...after a few successful movies of course.

The second way I'm calming myself is doing my very best, though not quite succeeding yet, to give this whole thing to God. This U/RTA situation is really going to take a huge amount of trust in God. I have no doubt that with some work I can put together a pretty damn good audition...but what God's going to do with it I have no idea and thus He is teaching me to trust in him fully. No matter how futuristic I am, my life is in His hands, not mine. God is telling me to stop trying to take three steps ahead just so I can glance real quick at what's around the corner.

Don't take what I'm saying as complaining. I'm in a very good place right now. I consider myself immensely blessed for all the amazing thing I have, including options.

So, deep breath....

Now if I could only find a freaking contemporary humorous monologue.

E-mail from work...

From: Brain Leonard
Sent: Wednesday, July 30, 2008 9:45 AM
To: Fazakerley, Jeff
Subject: Earthquake?

So did you feel the earthquake, everyone here is asking about you. Let's here your very own heroing tale. How many orphans did you rescue? How manny kittens did you save? If you spent the whole time under your desk at work telling your office slave to save my degree on the wall from falling, that's ok too just give us the gory details.


Brian

From: Fazakerley, Jeff
Sent: Wednesday, July 30, 2008 10:52 AM
To: 'Brain Leonard'
Cc: Dowell, Ryan; Clary, Katherine; Fazakerley, Emily; Hurlbert, Lindsey
Subject: RE: Earthquake?

It seemed like a normal day, the phone ringing, students whining about not having enough money for college, the water dispenser making it’s usual gulping sound every five minutes as the air bubbles make their way to the top. Normal. My co-workers and I in our respective offices diligently enforcing federal policy expect this day to be just like any other day. I see the clock, it’s 11:30, almost lunch time. I tune out as usual. When I only have a half hour left until lunch I start thinking about food and where to get it so not much work gets done. In my daze I vaguely hear one of our students at the front desk complaining about all the paperwork our office is making her fill out, I’m about to stand up to see if I can assist when at 11:41 am I hear a rumbling. First thought, someone is running down the hallway toward my office. This is not uncommon as we often have nerf gun wars during work and the most agile of us in the office often sprint down the hallway to avoid being hit. But that wasn’t it. It was the middle of the day and there was a student up front, this was not a nerf attack, this was something else. All at once I feel dizzy and off balance. I fall back in my chair. The Charlie Brown Day calendar, black coffee mug and Ikea lamp start vibrating across my desk….BANG…the furniture items in my office start to move on their own, the large book case falls toward me, I jump out of my chair and against the wall catching my theater degree just in time before it shatters to the floor like many other fixtures attached to the wall. I hear screams of pain and agony…someone is yelling, “God save us!!” repeatedly…BANG…the file cabinet has fallen, this time I didn’t have time to move out of the way, a sharp pain volts through my legs…BANG…the glass on my door is broken…the view I have into the hallway reveals bodies being tossed about like rag dolls…and just as quickly as this day went horribly wrong, it all stopped. Silence. The snap, crackle and pop of my now mangled computer is heard. Dust fills the air and my lungs; I begin to cough. I try to move but the file cabinet has me pinned. Emily. Where was Emily? I must get to her to make sure she’s okay! Mustering all the strength I had I heave the file cabinets up enough to slide my legs out from under them…the pain is almost to much to handle but the thought of my wife in the same mangled mess pushed me on, I had to get to her. I climbed over the file cabinet and the toppled bookcase and into the hallway. My boss was lying in the hallway, a stapler pierced through her heart, there was no saving her. I pressed on down the hallways trying to find the exit near the front entrance of the office. Emily’s office was just across from there…it’s hard to see with the dust and ceiling tiles hanging everywhere…suddenly a cry for help behind me…it was coming from the conference room…no, I must get to Emily…”help…aaaauuuuggg…help…”…my sympathetic heart gets the best of me, I turn and head toward the conference room. The door is blocked by the huge round table in which we have our Monday morning staff meetings...and a large black woman, no doubt the remains of the complacent student. I slide the woman to the floor as she was keeled over the table…the table is heavy but I lift it out of the way…”oh God…help me…”…I turn to my left and there in the corner hugging his teddy bear was an orphan. “Are you alright?” I ask in gruff burly voice…”Yes, sir…I can’t feel my legs. And I think I wet myself.” This child was helpless, spoke with a meek English accent and needed medical attention. “You’re going to be alright…let’s go find our friends,” I said. “Thank you sir! You’re my hero!” I lifted the child gently from the floor and walked out of the conference room and toward the front entrance…Damn…the front entrance was blocked. The massive front desk had slid in front of it and the roof had caved in on top of that. The only way out was back down the hallway to the rear of the building. I changed direction, passing back by the corpse of what was my boss…I shielded the eyes of the helpless English orphan…nearly approaching the rear entrance I hear another cry…this time an adult male voice. I must get to Emily…but once again my heroic nature got the best of me and I peered into the office of my co-worker Ryan. “Ryan, is that you?” “Yes…help me, I’m under this bookshelf…it was going to crush a poor helpless kitten but I shielded it with my own body and now I don’t think I can walk.” “Is the kitten okay?” I said with desperation. “Yes.” I see him now. Ryan’s top half has been completely severed by the book shelf in his office. I knew from watching Gray’s Anatomy that if I lifted the book shelf, it would kill him instantly. “Ryan,” I said, again with a very manly heroic voice, “I’m going to get you some help. Hand me the kitten.” “Okay Jeff, his name is Piddle. Please take care of him.” I grabbed piddle in one hand and the English orphan in the other and pressed on toward the rear entrance. God be Praised! It wasn’t blocked. I used my brute strength to force the door open. “We must find my wife!” I said to the piddle and the orphan…”What’s your name, anyway?” I said to the orphan, as I was tired typing orphan…”Richard…I think.” As I stepped out side, it was as if I had transported to another world. The Smith building was completely crushed…cars flipped upside down and burning…it looked as though a bomb has gone off. I turned to the left and started to head towards Emily’s building when I realized, it wasn’t there. “NOOOOOOO!!” I cried. I collapsed to my knees in horror. There was no way anyone survived…”WHYYYYYY GOOOOD!! WHYYYYYYYYY!!! Richard and Piddle are crying now as well…then suddenly…”Jeff?” I turn…Emily and Lindsay her assistant are walking toward me through the dusty air like a dream…their holding 49 cent fountain drinks from the gas station…”Jeff? Is that you?” “EMILY!!” I rise to my feet, still in extreme pain and limp my way to her.
“Emily Darling, are you alright?!”
“Yes, quite alright,” she said, “We just went to get some diet pepsi, I was parched!....What happened?”
”An Earthquake…5.8,” I replied, again with burliness…
”Oh.”
“I found an Orphan.”
“Sweet!”

Jeff Fazakerley
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