My Audition

Hello, My name is Jeff Fazakerley and first I'll be performing Fernando from The Brothers and Paul from Den of Thieves....

(beat)

Fernando: Yes, Francisco, he hath left his curse upon me. His CURSE! Dost comprehend what that word carries shot from a father's angry breath? Unless I tear poor Felisarda from my heart he hath pronounced me ere to ALL his curses!

Does this fright thee, Francisco? Thou hast cause to dance in soul for this, tis only I must loose and mourn. Thou shalt have all.

I am degraded from my birth while he affects thy forward youth and only calls thee son. Son of his active spirit and applauds that progress with Jacinta, in whose smiles thou mayest see all thy wishes waiting for thee. Whilst poor Fernando, for her sake, must stand an excommunicate from every blessing, a THING that dare not give myself a name, but flung into the world's necessities until in time, with wonder of my wants, I turn a ragged statue on whose forehead each clown may carve his motto.

(Beat)

Paul: You're a compulsive over eater too, aren't you!? Look, I know what you're going through...Maggie. Maggie, don't open those Yodels, Maggie! MAGGIE! HALT! NOW PUT...THE YODELS...DOWN!

I'm not letting you eat them for two reasons. Number one, they're stolen and you and me are gonna gather all this stuff up and return it...ALL OF IT! Because that is how the program works. Reach out, and return, the first principle of the program. You call me tonight because you are brave, Maggie, you called me because you wanna turn it around! Six months from now you'll be leading workshops, visiting prisons, talking to youngsters and schools. Now I could let you eat those Yodels, but I'm not going to let you do that to yourself because you're a compulsive over eater TOO!

Look, I'd be glad to take you to an O.A. Meeting. Over eaters Anonymous. I'm an O.A. member. I used to weigh four hundred pounds! Look, here's a picture of me on a horse. Now here's a picture of the same horse, ten minutes later. I look at this picture to remind myself of the pain, and suffering, and in this case DEATH that my compulsive overeating caused myself, and others. I hated myself, hated myself so much I couldn't even function. Have you ever felt that way?


Finally, I'll sing for you "What do I need with love?" from Thoroughly Modern Millie.

(Start accompaniment)

Jimmy: Skip the vows and all that rott. Tell the minister that I do not! Bright and breezey is the birds and beesey is free and easy is the life I got.

Without her.

All though I hardly know you...what do I need with love? I got it good, got it good. But now I got it bad!


Thank You.

(I know what you're thinking..."its March, why is Jeff typing out his audition? shouldn't he be talking about how his auditions for U/RTA and Regent went?" Well first of all, if that's what you're thinking, you follow my blog to closely and to that I say, "Thanks! Stalker." And second, you're right. It's March 2nd and I haven't auditioned for Regent yet because it was post-poned till tomorrow, March 3rd. There will be much to say after March 3rd!

Okay I need to file my FAFSA now.)

My Wife Says I'm Nervous

Well, that's true. I mean U/RTA is SATURDAY! I'm taking the day off of work on Friday and driving with my lovely wife to Vegas to do a 3 minute monologue for a bunch of recruiters. I'm not even auditioning for Regent yet, which is the school that I want to get into, the school that I'm hoping gives full-rides...that'd be nice. Anyway, I'm ready...ish. If I just ran it a few more times to make sure that both my pieces fall under three minutes..that'd be grand.

Who ever said that its possible for actors not to be full of themselves is stupid. In fact I don't think its ever been said which is good because its stupid. The amount of self-confidence required to do well at any audition let along U/RTA or Regent or any grad school audition is insurmountable.

"I am a good actor. I am a great actor. I am an attractive person. My head shot kicks ass."

Ridiculous.

But unfortunately its necessary. Have I fully committed to these feelings? nope. I have a huge zit on my noes and my man-boobs (chesticles as my brother would call them) dangle worse than the hag that played Maria at Huntington Beach Playhouse's recent production of Sound of Music. I keep looking "gay" according to my coach Sue. "They want men who don't look gay on stage!" she keeps telling me. Ugh...is this why I'm nervous?

For some reason I have it my head the Regent will be better. After all its an audition for Christians...right? Meh. I just want February to be over. I want March to be here. I want to know where my wife and I will be moving in 6 months.

All this self loathing should not be an indicator of my mood however. I've been in fantastic spirits as of late. I'm directing for Alethia Christian Theater this semester. A branch off company from Terra who I just closed Our Town with. Say what you want about Our Town but mine was damn good. My kids were awesome and worked incredibly hard and we got to do it in as good a space as Our Town deserves. Next I'll be co-directing (God help me) The Man (possibly woman) Who Came To Dinner. Tonight is the 10 Minute Play Festival at Vanguard which I got to direct for. I've read nearly three plays just in the last few days. And come this summer, Jenna Lloyd and I will be doing The Last Five Years in Temecula, California. I'm loving this. If this is a sign of things to come, sign me up.

Now if only I didn't have to go to work, my life would be perfect.

Well Jenn, that's the update. Hope you enjoyed it.

The Definite Possibilities

How is it possible that the ONLY Christian MFA in Acting program completely fell through my searches until last Wednesday? I have no idea but if you saw this whole thing from my perspective you'd see that God was obviously hiding it from me for some reason; waiting for the exact moment to say, "How about Regent, Hey." (Said with a Dakotan accent as God speaks to me that way now) It goes like this: Last Wednesday Emily introduced me to a admissions counselor from Regent University's Law School. She had met him the day before and had told me that she wanted this guy to marry her sister. Regent had always hung around in the back of my head because my professor, Susan K Berkompas, used to advertise something about their school all during my undergrad studies. What this was exactly wasn't coming to mind at the time of me meeting Mr. Wholschlegal (or something like that.)

I asked him if Regent had a Theater program and he was sure they had some kind of arts program but was unsure if they had any MFA in Acting program. His uncertainty led me to believe they did not...until Susan K Berkompas came strolling by at that very moment. And as she was walking by I said, "Sue, what was that thing you would always send e-mails out about Regent?" She said, "Oh their MFA in Acting program. It's the only Christian centered one in the world and its awesome and oh I know all the Faculty so you'd be a shoe-in." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My excitement thus launched through the roof and I went back to my office and started researching. There are three things that I desire most in an MFA in Acting program. One, that it would be Christian though I had given up hope on this aspect. Two, that it would prepare me for teaching at the collegiate level. And three, that it would give me some kind of opportunity to at least try the whole professional acting thing after I graduate with an MFA. Well, what do you know!? Regent University offers all three of those fantastic little jewels of my desire and to top it off they have an audition at Azusa Pacific at the end of February.

I immediately started looking into their admissions requirements and realize they require GRE scores in which I have none. Questions begin to arise...do I submit the application and scores and such before or after the audition? What is Virginia like? Do I have a shot in hell that they'll accept me? What will I eat for dinner tonight as I have to go to rehearsal for Our Town? Am I a good director? Am I a good actor? What are GRE scores?

I needed answers. So I found an inquiry section on Regent's website and asked a few questions about the GRE scores and such. No joke....5 SECONDS LATER! (Okay so it was really like 45 seconds-ish) my cell phone rings and a representative from Regent, who just happened to have graduated with her MFA in Acting was on the other end...crazy! She answered all of my questions except for the self-worth ones.

All of this within a span of about three hours. Instantly I began to be excited about completing my MFA instead of dreading it. What's even better is Emily was just as excited, which as my mom told me once, is a great sign that that is something God is telling you to do.

So obviously nothing is official yet and if you ask my co-workers I've pretty much already moved there. As well as my brother, who we just found out over a phone conversation that Virginia Beach is only a half-hour away from where he'll be living (!!!!!). But Regent is a definite possibility and moving across the country is becoming more and more a reality. I just need to get a good score on the MAT exam (its better, according to the girl from Regent), get three letters of recommendation, write a personal life statement, and come up with the best three minute audition of my life! Piece of cake. As Nolf put it today, "You'll be fine. You want it bad enough."

I do. I really do.

My heart was pounding yesterday

as I dropped off my application for U/RTA (University/Residential Theater Association) and the NUAI's (National Unified Audition and Interviews) which I will be attending February 6th in Las Vegas.

The sending of this application marks the first time in my life I have absolutely no idea what my future looks like completely.

When I was a sophomore in high school I decided to go to Vanguard. I didn't apply to any other colleges. The closest I got to going anywhere else was when I looked at Biola's website and thought it was boring. I don't think I even made it past the homepage.

When I was a sophomore in high school I got hired in the Financial Aid Office at Vanguard; a job I knew I would have at least until the end of college. By my junior year I knew they were planning on hiring me on as full time staff after I graduated and thus I figured I would just get my masters degree here in religion.

Two weeks into my relationship with Emily I started to know she was the one I would marry. A year and half latter we were married. This seems to be only thing at the moment that seems everlasting.

This spring I'll be directing Pinocchio for CYT in Temecula, California and in June my wife and I are leading a short term missions trip to Tanzania, Africa. But after that?

After I've been staff at Vanguard for over a year, begun this masters program, got hitched and even landed three directing jobs I'm at a cross roads in which the direction will be entirely determined by a 3-5 minute audition that isn't for another 3 1/2 months. That is why my heart was pounding as I sealed the envelope with my application in it and handed it to the girl in mail services yesterday, realizing how much work I have to do before February 6. Emily and I don't have a specific school in mind. We have to go wherever they give us the most money...the options are endless per say and that's freaking me out.

I am, as they say, futuristic. My head is always in the future...planning and coming to terms with what's to come. Getting a grasp on future events so there are no surprises. I weigh every scenario and decide how I will react, pay, fight, deal etc.

It's not that I don't embrace change, I love change. But change for me has to come on my time and by my decision.

So as I'm in this lull until I figure what fall 2009 is going to look like I'm doing a few things to slow my heart rate down.

The first is coming to the realization that no matter what the outcome, I have options and none of them are bad. If I don't get into an MFA program this fall I'll still have a full-time job and two theater companies that will continue to ask me back to direct for them. This time next year I'll try U/RTA again only this time for acting and directing as I'll have 5 or more shows under my belt. If I do get into grad school, Emily and I will go on our first big adventure, move to wherever I get accepted and get a fellowship and get my MFA done in three years and then find a job at a university somewhere and teach...after a few successful movies of course.

The second way I'm calming myself is doing my very best, though not quite succeeding yet, to give this whole thing to God. This U/RTA situation is really going to take a huge amount of trust in God. I have no doubt that with some work I can put together a pretty damn good audition...but what God's going to do with it I have no idea and thus He is teaching me to trust in him fully. No matter how futuristic I am, my life is in His hands, not mine. God is telling me to stop trying to take three steps ahead just so I can glance real quick at what's around the corner.

Don't take what I'm saying as complaining. I'm in a very good place right now. I consider myself immensely blessed for all the amazing thing I have, including options.

So, deep breath....

Now if I could only find a freaking contemporary humorous monologue.

E-mail from work...

From: Brain Leonard
Sent: Wednesday, July 30, 2008 9:45 AM
To: Fazakerley, Jeff
Subject: Earthquake?

So did you feel the earthquake, everyone here is asking about you. Let's here your very own heroing tale. How many orphans did you rescue? How manny kittens did you save? If you spent the whole time under your desk at work telling your office slave to save my degree on the wall from falling, that's ok too just give us the gory details.


Brian

From: Fazakerley, Jeff
Sent: Wednesday, July 30, 2008 10:52 AM
To: 'Brain Leonard'
Cc: Dowell, Ryan; Clary, Katherine; Fazakerley, Emily; Hurlbert, Lindsey
Subject: RE: Earthquake?

It seemed like a normal day, the phone ringing, students whining about not having enough money for college, the water dispenser making it’s usual gulping sound every five minutes as the air bubbles make their way to the top. Normal. My co-workers and I in our respective offices diligently enforcing federal policy expect this day to be just like any other day. I see the clock, it’s 11:30, almost lunch time. I tune out as usual. When I only have a half hour left until lunch I start thinking about food and where to get it so not much work gets done. In my daze I vaguely hear one of our students at the front desk complaining about all the paperwork our office is making her fill out, I’m about to stand up to see if I can assist when at 11:41 am I hear a rumbling. First thought, someone is running down the hallway toward my office. This is not uncommon as we often have nerf gun wars during work and the most agile of us in the office often sprint down the hallway to avoid being hit. But that wasn’t it. It was the middle of the day and there was a student up front, this was not a nerf attack, this was something else. All at once I feel dizzy and off balance. I fall back in my chair. The Charlie Brown Day calendar, black coffee mug and Ikea lamp start vibrating across my desk….BANG…the furniture items in my office start to move on their own, the large book case falls toward me, I jump out of my chair and against the wall catching my theater degree just in time before it shatters to the floor like many other fixtures attached to the wall. I hear screams of pain and agony…someone is yelling, “God save us!!” repeatedly…BANG…the file cabinet has fallen, this time I didn’t have time to move out of the way, a sharp pain volts through my legs…BANG…the glass on my door is broken…the view I have into the hallway reveals bodies being tossed about like rag dolls…and just as quickly as this day went horribly wrong, it all stopped. Silence. The snap, crackle and pop of my now mangled computer is heard. Dust fills the air and my lungs; I begin to cough. I try to move but the file cabinet has me pinned. Emily. Where was Emily? I must get to her to make sure she’s okay! Mustering all the strength I had I heave the file cabinets up enough to slide my legs out from under them…the pain is almost to much to handle but the thought of my wife in the same mangled mess pushed me on, I had to get to her. I climbed over the file cabinet and the toppled bookcase and into the hallway. My boss was lying in the hallway, a stapler pierced through her heart, there was no saving her. I pressed on down the hallways trying to find the exit near the front entrance of the office. Emily’s office was just across from there…it’s hard to see with the dust and ceiling tiles hanging everywhere…suddenly a cry for help behind me…it was coming from the conference room…no, I must get to Emily…”help…aaaauuuuggg…help…”…my sympathetic heart gets the best of me, I turn and head toward the conference room. The door is blocked by the huge round table in which we have our Monday morning staff meetings...and a large black woman, no doubt the remains of the complacent student. I slide the woman to the floor as she was keeled over the table…the table is heavy but I lift it out of the way…”oh God…help me…”…I turn to my left and there in the corner hugging his teddy bear was an orphan. “Are you alright?” I ask in gruff burly voice…”Yes, sir…I can’t feel my legs. And I think I wet myself.” This child was helpless, spoke with a meek English accent and needed medical attention. “You’re going to be alright…let’s go find our friends,” I said. “Thank you sir! You’re my hero!” I lifted the child gently from the floor and walked out of the conference room and toward the front entrance…Damn…the front entrance was blocked. The massive front desk had slid in front of it and the roof had caved in on top of that. The only way out was back down the hallway to the rear of the building. I changed direction, passing back by the corpse of what was my boss…I shielded the eyes of the helpless English orphan…nearly approaching the rear entrance I hear another cry…this time an adult male voice. I must get to Emily…but once again my heroic nature got the best of me and I peered into the office of my co-worker Ryan. “Ryan, is that you?” “Yes…help me, I’m under this bookshelf…it was going to crush a poor helpless kitten but I shielded it with my own body and now I don’t think I can walk.” “Is the kitten okay?” I said with desperation. “Yes.” I see him now. Ryan’s top half has been completely severed by the book shelf in his office. I knew from watching Gray’s Anatomy that if I lifted the book shelf, it would kill him instantly. “Ryan,” I said, again with a very manly heroic voice, “I’m going to get you some help. Hand me the kitten.” “Okay Jeff, his name is Piddle. Please take care of him.” I grabbed piddle in one hand and the English orphan in the other and pressed on toward the rear entrance. God be Praised! It wasn’t blocked. I used my brute strength to force the door open. “We must find my wife!” I said to the piddle and the orphan…”What’s your name, anyway?” I said to the orphan, as I was tired typing orphan…”Richard…I think.” As I stepped out side, it was as if I had transported to another world. The Smith building was completely crushed…cars flipped upside down and burning…it looked as though a bomb has gone off. I turned to the left and started to head towards Emily’s building when I realized, it wasn’t there. “NOOOOOOO!!” I cried. I collapsed to my knees in horror. There was no way anyone survived…”WHYYYYYY GOOOOD!! WHYYYYYYYYY!!! Richard and Piddle are crying now as well…then suddenly…”Jeff?” I turn…Emily and Lindsay her assistant are walking toward me through the dusty air like a dream…their holding 49 cent fountain drinks from the gas station…”Jeff? Is that you?” “EMILY!!” I rise to my feet, still in extreme pain and limp my way to her.
“Emily Darling, are you alright?!”
“Yes, quite alright,” she said, “We just went to get some diet pepsi, I was parched!....What happened?”
”An Earthquake…5.8,” I replied, again with burliness…
”Oh.”
“I found an Orphan.”
“Sweet!”

Jeff Fazakerley
x4256

Attention Single Friends:

I have not experienced any of these issues yet but according to a wide number of other married people's comments I can fully expect them. So here's some things you should know.

1. Emily and I still exist. Yes you waved goodbye to us at the end of the wedding and we drove away in an excessively decorated car, but we only went back to our apartment and then on a honeymoon. We still live in Costa Mesa and we still want to see you, so please don't forget that!

2. I am more so a 'we' than I am an 'I'. Don't let the fact that I will probably always check with Emily first before I agree to do anything, deter you from inviting either Emily or I anywhere. She's my other half and I don't work very well separated from her. I promise it feels GREAT to depend on another human being. It's not so bad.

3. Yes, married people like to hang with married people and it's not that it's a secret club that no one can be involved in unless you have a piece of jewelry on your ring finger. It's simply that when you get married, you all of a sudden have this freedom to talk about SO many things that people who are not married don't understand fully.

4. Emily and I do not have sex 24/7. As awesome as that would be, it's just not physically possible and it would be extremely exhausting. Yes we're more sexually active than the average 75 year old, but that doesn't mean you should be afraid to call because what if we're having sex, or afraid to come over and visit because what if we're having sex. If we are, I promise I wont answer my phone or answer the door...for your sake.

5. Though I love Emily more than any human being on this planet, I love each and everyone of my friends quite a bit more than the average human being as well. Please know that.


This is also not meant to be supercilious in any way either. I really only say these things because I'm guilty of each and every one one of them. Things are different now, yes, but not enough to loose contact with those I care for.

Thanks for reading. :)

Okay, I should work now.

For better or worse...

I'm married and loving it. My wife and I spent the evening last night putting up curtain rods and building book shelves. Our apartment is really starting to look like a home. I came out of my bedroom this morning and felt very pleased with it all. Content.

Still, as happy as the months surrounding a wedding have been, life still looms. There are bills to pay, an education to be had, and a car that desperately needs cleaning. But for some reason it all looks different than before. It's all things I have to do, but it's all things I get to do, with Emily. I'm pretty sure that's what God designed marriage for, a partnership; and God gave me the best partner EVER!

Other than these few sappy sentiments I don't really have anything else to write about at the moment. I'm over my job, though I understand it's importance and how much I enjoy getting paid. I'm directing a show, The Importance of Being Earnest, which is going to be full of memorable stories, they just haven't happened yet. And there was this one time I went to Mexico and they ran out of tortillas...I know right? That was pretty ridiculous.

I'm still struggling with blog envy. Josh is just so good at it. I suppose it takes passion. Josh is just passionate about a lot of things. I know I'm passionate about some things but I don't really realize the full extent of the passion unless I'm in the moment; like cars stopping completely before they turn, I just don't realize how much that royally pisses me off unless I'm in the moment. But usually after the moment has passed, and by the time I sit in front of my computer staring at blank blog page, I've had time to rationalize, justify, simplify, forget or just not care any more. I prefer the more passionate life like Josh's. He gets it all out on here, not in everyday conversation. He can actually talk about pretty normal things. Sometimes I wish he would get passionate about a few things in conversation, just because it's fun to see him get a bit steamed over things. But really, an entire post about a dispute between Obama and Dobson...awesome!

If that last paragraph sounded sarcastic it wasn't meant to. Just pure admiration.

And to finish it off, here is a scene from the my last rehearsal with my cast:

Me: Lady Bracknell I need you on stage, you're coming on in a few lines.

LB: Oh, right, let me just find my script.

Me: Do you have a pencil?

LB: A what?

Me: A pencil, you need to write down all the blocking I give you.

LB: Oh. Okay, I'm ready now. Should I enter?

Me: When the script tells you to, you should.

LB: Oh, right, what page are we on?

Me: 125. Lady Bracknell's Understudy, do you have a pencil?

LBU: For what?

Me: For writing down all the blocking I give Lady Bracknell.

LBU: You mean, I have to do it just like her?

Me: .........yes. Is that a problem?

LBU: I guess not.

LB: Do I enter now?

Algernon: Do I get to eat ALL of the sandwiches?